I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
