its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
