I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
