My boss' voice literally gives me gas
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
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