I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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