Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
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It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
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I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
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