Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
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