god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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