Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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