Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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