i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
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