Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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