That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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