You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize
