Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
