Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
