Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
worst night to have a conscience
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Randomize
