He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
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Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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