I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
