Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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