its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize