i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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