We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
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I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
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u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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