alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
