No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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