i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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