Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
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She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
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AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize