I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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