I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
