So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
