I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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