I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
My dick has a subreddit
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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