i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
