LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
