hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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