I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
its not stalking. its research.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
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She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
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Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize