My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
