I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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