she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
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