he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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