she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
