I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
