Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
