Ketchup is God's man juice
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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