TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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