so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
How external is "for external use only"?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
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