The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
