Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
