If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
