your thong is hanging out like whoa
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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