can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
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