his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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