Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
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She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
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You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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