I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
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