There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
She made me pour olive oil on her.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
